Today we’re going to throw all that writing stuff out the window and talk for a few minutes about…
Yes, zombies. What is it about zombies anyway? What is there in our cultural DNA that makes us so fascinated with the apocalypse brought on by the walking dead? Have our lives become so easy that we need to dream up horrific images of rotting corpses hunting down the few remaining living, to kick our brains out of their television saturated stupor?
Maybe. Who knows? Not me.
But they’re coming. You know they are.
You’ve seen all the movies and TV shows. You’ve played the games. Maybe you’ve even read the books.You think you’re prepared.
You’re so wrong.
You don’t have the first clue how to survive the hoards of the undead. And if you’re not careful you’ll end up in the hoard of undead moaning “Braaaiiiins” and dribbling the guts of your last victim down the front of your “Ask me about my zombie plan” t-shirt.
You think that just because you’ve seen every zombie movie ever made, you’re prepared for the apocalypse? Didn’t your mother ever tell you that you can’t believe everything you see on TV?
You’re woefully underprepared for what’s coming. That’s why I’m starting a new feature on this blog called, “Zombie Tuesdays.” It would have been alliterated, but some moron forgot to name any weekdays Zedsday, so you’re stuck with this instead.
Each week we’ll look at a different aspect of zombie survival and how to avoid being torn apart by the ravenous flesh eaters.
This week’s zombie survival tip: KEEP MOVING
It’s human nature. When trouble comes we head for home. If we can’t get home we look for a safe place to hole up in until the problem blows over.
You see this in zombie movies all the time. The survivors in the mall, in a boarded up house, in a camp somewhere out in the woods. They’ve dug themselves in, strengthened their fortifications. Maybe they’ve even built a huge fence to keep the undead at bay.
Worst. Mistake. Ever.
Why? Because when you pick a fortification against zombies that place has to last forever. The dead don’t sleep. The dead don’t get tired. And there are far more of them than there are of you.
Think you can handle it? Maybe you’ve got three months of canned goods stocked up in the pantry. Maybe you’ve got a well that brings fresh water right into your house. But the food will run out. And the zombies will still be outside moaning and clawing at the walls.
Maybe you’re thinking bigger. Maybe you’ve got a whole compound stocked with food and medicine and enough land to produce the food you’ll need all of it conveniently fenced off. But you’re still stuck there forever. Need some medicine from the ruins of the hospital in town? Too bad. Need to scavenge some parts for your generator? Not going to happen.
And what are you doing to do when the undead start piling up on top of each other outside your gates until they’ve made a ramp of desiccated flesh that leads right over your precious fortifications?
You can’t dig in.
So what do you do? You move.
Don’t leave town. That’s another rookie mistake. You get in your car to hit the interstate and you’ll be stuck in a pack of cars full of geniuses that had the exact same idea as you did. And when you run out of gas and the undead are crawling over your car and the sun is literally baking you alive inside maybe you’ll understand why leaving was a bad idea.
But you have to keep moving. On foot is fine if that’s all you’ve got. You can easily outwalk the undead, and if any of them get too close you can stop and kill them one at a time.
What if they’re running?
If they’re running then they’re not zombies. This is a zombie survival guide.
Again, you’re not going anywhere. You’re not even trying to leave town. Your main objective is to avoid creating a congregation point for the zombies.
If you’ve got a bicycle, better still. Bikes are lightweight and can usually be taken places where the roads don’t go. Also, they don’t run out of gas. This is important. If you’re going to survive this you’re going to have to forget about anything that requires any kind of fuel or charge. You’re going to have enough trouble keeping yourself fueled up without having to worry about your car.
What about sleep? Well, I would tell you that you could sleep when you’re dead, but that’s not exactly true now is it? This is a long-term plan. You’re going to need to stop from time to time for sleep and rest.
Best chance you’ve got is to find a big building with multiple exits. The undead tend not to be the brightest bulbs on the funeral home marquee. If they see you go in one door, they’ll likely begin by crowding around that door. You should have some time to catch a few winks before they call the rest of their buddies and surround the building completely. You can also use this opportunity to do a little looting.
But be careful of stores with big plate-glass windows. Zombies will rip through them like a hot chainsaw through butter.
When can you stop? You can’t. Not for a very long time anyway. As long as you want to stay alive, you have to keep going.
The day you stagnate is the day you die.
Can you give us a “how to evade the ex wife’s lawyer ” post? Or “staying one step ahead of the IRS” Perhaps “how to remember things before it is too late and you can’t do anything about it” These would make valuable posts for the readership.
You are definitely right with this post. I think the biggest problem with staying in one spot is the illusion of safety. When you bunker down, the skills you’ve learned to survive start to weaken, while the zombies numbers only get stronger. You get complacent, and think in your own little world you will be fine. Outside of the confines of your cage, the world seems terrifying, making it harder to leave when you have to.
Humans exists today across the globe because of our nomadic nature beginnings. We followed the food, and stayed one step ahead of the predators. In the zombie apocalypse, we must do the same.
Thank you for your valuable expertise, Albert. Your post has motivated me to seriously work on my bike skills. I only learnt to ride at the age of 25, and shakily, at that.
I have a few complimentary questions for you: Are zombies afraid of heights? Can they climb trees? Can animals turn into zombies? I think I could kill my zombiefied neighbours, but I might have trouble finishing off their pets…
1. Zombies aren’t capable of feeling fear or anything else for that matter.
2. Zombies cannot climb, jump or swim.
3. All zombies are human, regardless of what some movies would have you believe.
Thanks for your precisions.
I’m having second thoughts about those pets… might get awful hungry when the zombie apocalypse comes along. I’ll start fattening up my pet rats just in case.
You mean my “scream, jog, fall, repeat” plan might not cut it? Cripes.
Oh, get over here Zombie Tuesday you irresistible thing you. I’m going to enjoy my visits here. Great advice. Exceedingly fun.
And here I thought we’d be safe if we kept that box of record albums to toss, ala ‘Shawn of the Dead’. Now what reason do I have to hang on to the Bay City Rollers and the Partridge Family albums?
You are a very strange, disturbed man… Should we worry? 😛
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