I’ve been working in retail for over six years now, and let me tell you, it’s no picnic. Okay, I’m lying. Most of the time it’s actually super easy. Except for the people. Now some of the people that I meet are wonderful and kind and a real pleasure to work with. But some of them…let just say you don’t want to be one of these people. Think you might be? I’ve provided a helpful list of things not to do or say to your helpful retail salesman. Read and enjoy.
1. Just because someone is wearing a nametag does not mean you are on a first name basis with that person.
I really really hate this one. I’m just walking through the store, and some schlub I’ve never seen before in my life will say, “Hey Al, can we get some help over here.”
That always sets my teeth on edge. Here’s a tip. “Excuse me sir,” works just fine. Seriously. I’ll assume you’re talking to me if those words come out of your mouth. If you’re not talking to me, I’ll be fine with that too. But do not call me by my name. If you know me it’s not a problem. I have customers who come in regularly enough for me think of them as acquaintances. But other than that, back off. My name is personal.
2. If you want something, just freaking ask!
I will never understand why men are such wusses. I mean, I’m not going to think less of you if you have a question. People ask me questions all day long. It’s my job to answer questions. But when you hang back while your wife asks me where to find the 243. shells that’s when I’m looking at you thinking, “What a loser.”
3. Do not ask “Why does this item cost X?”
Seriously? You really want to know? You want me to download my vast knowledge of economics into your tiny tiny skull? Because if you’ve got an hour we might get close to an overview answer. But it’s not going to change anything. The price is still going to be the price. If you do not want to pay that price, then LEAVE IT ALONE. It’s not that hard. You look at the item. The item costs five dollars. You have five dollars. Now make a decision. Which one do you want more? The item or your five dollars? Not that hard.
4. Stop asking “Why don’t you carry item X anymore?”
This is a question that seems to be burning in the minds of many of my customers, so I will answer it once and for all. There is huge man in a tiny office at the store’s headquarters. In that office there is a button labeled “Stop carrying the things that customer X really needs.” This man’s only job is to press that button. That is why. No amount of whining to me is going to change that fact. I have zero power over any of this stuff. Really.
5. There is no “n” in Mossberg.
Okay, yes, this one is weirdly specific, but it seriously ticks me off. Specifically it is directed at all the rednecks out there. I know you guys may not be much accustomed to reading but take a good hard look at the word Mossberg. Go on, take your time, we’ll wait. Do you see an “n” anywhere? No? Then stop calling it a Mossenberg! You say you’ve been hunting you’re whole life and you can’t pronounce the name of one of the world’s foremost producers of shotguns? How stupid can you be?
That’s all for now. I’ve got more, but I have to go to work.