Ambulatory Locomotion as a Form of Torture

My muse, who is a monster named Elmer, has caught a case of the sniffles.  I’m not sure how this is possible since he doesn’t have a mouth or a nose, but when a pale skinned horror with six-inch claws and eyes that are portals to another world calls in sick you don’t ask a lot of questions.

So to make a short story even shorter, I’m resurrecting the following post from my graveyard of words.


Today I found myself at the mall before the stores opened. Now I should point out that I did not intend to be there before anything was open, but I naturally assumed that since I was up at six in the morning everyone else was too. Despite the fact that none of the stores in the mall were open, I was surprised to see a number of people inside the main building.  And these people were walking. This should not be confused with walking, which is a perfectly acceptable way of moving about, at least until someone develops a hover board.

Walking, on the other hand is apparently a far more serious pursuit, or so it seems from the expressions of the faces of the walkers. Their eyelids are narrow slits through which they gaze intently at the ground in front of them, and their lips pressed into a thin straight line. Everything about them says “I am an individual who is extremely focused on putting one foot in front of the other”. Simple you say? How foolish of you. Of course there is more to walking than that. The true walker also swings his or her arms with all the force and potential deadliness of a medieval mace.

At first glance you might mistakenly believe that these people are in a hurry to get somewhere, but you could not be more wrong. True walkers are purists, and walking with an actual destination in mind is close to sacrilege in the Church of Ambulation. Instead they move with the full intent of making no progress whatsoever. They will stride purposefully to the end of a dead end hallway only to turn around and stride just as purposefully back the other way. We should be thankful these people choose to focus their attention on something so mundane, for they are obviously a highly motivated and driven group of individuals.


Get well soon Elmer.

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