Zombie Tuesday: The Evils of Overkill

Good news! Through grit, determination, and a whole lot of dumb luck, you have managed to survive the first wave of the zombie apocalypse.

You are now alive in a world filled with the rotting corpses of your deceased loved ones, who all want to eat you. Food is in short supply. Civilization is in turmoil. Oh, and you can’t play video games anymore so that’s a bummer. You’re sure you don’t want to just lay down and die? No? Okay then, onward and forward.

In last week’s post we talked about the dangers of digging in. No matter how strong your fortress, or how high your walls, eventually staying in one spot will get you killed.

Today’s precept for zombie survival: Overkill is Overrated.

Regardless of TVTropes‘s opinion on the subject, overkill is dangerous and downright stupid during the zombie apocalypse. This is another thing the movies get wrong all the time. Our heroes are almost always brandishing shotguns and high-powered sniper rifles which they use to splatter the brains of the undead all over the big screen.

Um, right…couple of questions here? First of all, you do realize that thing is heavy right? It’s bad enough that you have to keep moving like…forever, but you really want seven pounds of wood and metal hanging off of your shoulder for the rest of your life?

“But Albert,” you say “Seven pounds doesn’t sound all that bad.”

I’m sorry, but I assumed you might also be carrying food or water. You know, important stuff. But if all you’ve got is the gun, then by all means, lug it on through the wasteland.

Except it isn’t going to do you much good. Why? Because ammo ain’t gonna be in easy supply pardner. We’re talking about the zombie apocalypse here. You think all the other yahoos just laid down quietly and let themselves be bitten? Heck no! They were firing off every round they had into them golldurn zombies. Which means odds are good you’re not going to just find cases of 30.06 shells or 12 gauge buckshot lying around for the taking.

And lets say you do find a few rounds here and there. What good are they going to do you? The undead are massing in the millions. How much good do you think that box of twenty rounds is going to do you?

And that’s not even mentioning the sound. But sure, go ahead. Satisfy your manly urge to blow that stinking corpse’s head into smithereens. Just know that you’re ringing the dinner bell for all his friends.

Okay. Don’t panic. Take a deep breath.

There are a couple of good solutions.

First, get yourself a .22, preferably a handgun, something you can stick in your pocket.

Why a .22?

Firstly, because that’s all you need. Think about it. We’re talking about killing dead people here. Of course, there is the slight inconvenience that they’re still up and walking around, but still…dead people. Dead bone decays just as fast as dead flesh. It’s not going to take a lot to punch through those skulls.

Second, there’s bound to be a lot more ammunition for it. Most shotgun shells are sold in boxes of fifteen. Most rifle ammo comes in boxes of twenty. Pistol ammo, boxes of fifty or a hundred. But .22 shells? Those suckers come in boxes of five-hundred or more. And they’re tiny. You can easily fit upwards of a hundred in your pocket.

The the coup de gras? They’re quiet. Don’t get me wrong, you’ll still have to be careful, but the sound produced by a .22 is nothing compared to what you’re going to get from a shotgun.

But even the .22 is problematic. Because eventually you’re still going to run out of ammo. Ultimately anything that requires a renewable fuel source that isn’t naturally occurring is going to drag you down. So what do you do?

You say hello…to my little friend.

You wanna kill zombies? You really wanna kill all the zombies? I mean, that’s the plan isn’t it? Because, ultimately this is about more than just your survival. It’s about the survival of the human race. Well, you’re gonna have to go melee on those suckers, zombie killing the old-fashioned way, up close and friendly, one customer at a time.

An axe, a baseball bat, a well placed brick: almost anything will do. But the weapon pictured above is my personal favourite. It’s a two-handed machete with a light-weight synthetic handle and a super sharp cold steel blade. It’s sort of a cross between an axe and a machete.

I’ve personally held one in my hands, and it’s nothing short of beautiful. This sucker will cut through anything: wood, metal, your sister’s big toe. Anything. It’ll take a zombie’s head clean off in one swipe, and as long as you don’t try to take on too many of them at once it should be more than adequate to protect you from the undead.

So put down your shotguns and your sniper rifles. Let go of that grenade launcher. I know it makes you look cool, but let’s face it, there’s no one left to be impressed. You need to get the job done cleanest, safest, most efficient way possible.

Do the smart thing. Eschew overkill. Embrace effectiveness.

And maybe, just maybe, you’ll make it through alive.

Join the Zombies, Get a Brain.

This?

This is the big thing?

This is the second coming of zombie horror? I don’t think so.

I just finished watching the final episode of AMC’s widely acclaimed TV series, The Walking Dead, and I have to say I was…underwhelmed. It’s not that the show was exactly bad. It was even brilliant in places. But by the time I got to the end there was just so much wrong.

[Spoiler Warning Thingy]

The main bone I have to pick is with the final episode, TS-19 in which the group of survivors retreat to the CDC and meet the last scientist left alive there.

Why is he the last guy left?

Because in the face of the zombie apocalypse everyone else, either ran away or committed suicide.

Really? You really expect me to believe that people are that pathetically weak? I mean sure, there are bound to be some people who can’t take the pressure, but we’re talking about a group of people who have been entrusted with the task of finding a cure for a world that is slipping into madness, and all but one of them just say, “Meh, screw it. I’m going home. Life’s not worth living”?

No.

No, no, no, no, no.

Suspension of belief only goes so far, and I refuse to believe that people as a whole are that pathetic. Do the writers of the show realize what humankind has been through? We’ve survived plagues, and famines and wars, all kinds of atrocities from within and without, and we’re still kicking.

We are not weak. We are not quitters. We are not sitting around waiting for some hardship to give us an excuse to give up.

Again, I’m sure that certain individuals might crack under the strain, but a whole enclave of intelligent people who have been charged with a mission not only to save themselves, but to save the world, their countries, their families? All of them gave up?

No. That is not how people work. In fact I found the whole notion so outlandish, I was seriously expecting a subplot where it turned out that the one remaining scientist had actually killed them all.

And then, then at the culmination of the episode, the single remaining scientist reveals to the survivors that they’re locked in with him, and that the entire building will undergo an explosive decontamination cycle that will destroy them all in a matter of seconds (This is a really, really stupid and inefficient way to prevent some kind of contamination, but we’ll just chalk that up to movie logic). He reasons it would be better for them to die this way, than to face the certainty of being devoured by the zombie hoards.

It makes sense for all of about five seconds. And then you remember that three episodes previous we met the Vatos, a group of young men stationed in the center of the zombie outbreak who are running a nursing home. And that’s not counting any number of other minor characters who are ostensibly still out in world the surviving perfectly well, thank you very much.

Civilization may be gone, but the entire human race? There’s plenty of them still out there and kicking. Plenty of people who didn’t give up.

I know, I know. It’s just a show. It doesn’t really matter. And I probably shouldn’t even be wasting your time with this But hey, it’s Saturday, which means I get to talk about whatever, and this has just really been bugging me.

Plot holes I can handle. Out of character moments I can deal with. But when you give an out of character moment to the entire human race, that’s when you’ve crossed the line.

%99 of our existence as a species has been marked by endless poverty, hardships and death. From the modern perspective most of the history of mankind was the apocalypse. No electricity, no running water, uncertain food supply. For millenia people survived day to day in conditions that most of us would find utterly horrific. And yet somehow they did survive.

And if, God forbid, humankind should ever have to return to fighting and clawing for our very existence for whatever reason we will survive still.

So there. I got it out of my system. On Monday, we will recommence with our regularly scheduled rant-free broadcast.

Same zombie time. Same zombie station.

Zombie Tuesday: “We Like To Move It, Move It”

Today we’re going to throw all that writing stuff out the window and talk for a few minutes about…

Zombies.

Yes, zombies. What is it about zombies anyway? What is there in our cultural DNA that makes us so fascinated with the apocalypse brought on by the walking dead? Have our lives become so easy that we need to dream up horrific images of rotting corpses hunting down the few remaining living, to kick our brains out of their television saturated stupor?

Maybe. Who knows? Not me.

But they’re coming. You know they are.

You’ve seen all the movies and TV shows. You’ve played the games. Maybe you’ve even read the books.You think you’re prepared.

You’re so wrong.

You don’t have the first clue how to survive the hoards of the undead. And if you’re not careful you’ll end up in the hoard of undead moaning “Braaaiiiins” and dribbling the guts of your last victim down the front of your “Ask me about my zombie plan” t-shirt.

You think that just because you’ve seen every zombie movie ever made, you’re prepared for the apocalypse? Didn’t your mother ever tell you that you can’t believe everything you see on TV?

You’re woefully underprepared for what’s coming. That’s why I’m starting a new feature on this blog called, “Zombie Tuesdays.” It would have been alliterated, but some moron forgot to name any weekdays Zedsday, so you’re stuck with this instead.

Each week we’ll look at a different aspect of zombie survival and how to avoid being torn apart by the ravenous flesh eaters.

This week’s zombie survival tip: KEEP MOVING

It’s human nature. When trouble comes we head for home. If we can’t get home we look for a safe place to hole up in until the problem blows over.

You see this in zombie movies all the time. The survivors in the mall, in a boarded up house, in a camp somewhere out in the woods. They’ve dug themselves in, strengthened their fortifications. Maybe they’ve even built a huge fence to keep the undead at bay.

Worst. Mistake. Ever.

Why? Because when you pick a fortification against zombies that place has to last forever. The dead don’t sleep. The dead don’t get tired. And there are far more of them than there are of you.

Think you can handle it? Maybe you’ve got three months of canned goods stocked up in the pantry. Maybe you’ve got a well that brings fresh water right into your house. But the food will run out. And the zombies will still be outside moaning and clawing at the walls.

Maybe you’re thinking bigger. Maybe you’ve got a whole compound stocked with food and medicine and enough land to produce the food you’ll need all of it conveniently fenced off. But you’re still stuck there forever. Need some medicine from the ruins of the hospital in town? Too bad. Need to scavenge some parts for your generator? Not going to happen.

And what are you doing to do when the undead start piling up on top of each other outside your gates until they’ve made a ramp of desiccated flesh that leads right over your precious fortifications?

You can’t dig in.

So what do you do? You move.

Don’t leave town. That’s another rookie mistake. You get in your car to hit the interstate and you’ll be stuck in a pack of cars full of geniuses that had the exact same idea as you did. And when you run out of gas and the undead are crawling over your car and the sun is literally baking you alive inside maybe you’ll understand why leaving was a bad idea.

But you have to keep moving. On foot is fine if that’s all you’ve got. You can easily outwalk the undead, and if any of them get too close you can stop and kill them one at a time.

What if they’re running?

If they’re running then they’re not zombies. This is a zombie survival guide.

Again, you’re not going anywhere. You’re not even trying to leave town. Your main objective is to avoid creating a congregation point for the zombies.

If you’ve got a bicycle, better still. Bikes are lightweight and can usually be taken places where the roads don’t go. Also, they don’t run out of gas. This is important. If you’re going to survive this you’re going to have to forget about anything that requires any kind of fuel or charge. You’re going to have enough trouble keeping yourself fueled up without having to worry about your car.

What about sleep? Well, I would tell you that you could sleep when you’re dead, but that’s not exactly true now is it? This is a long-term plan. You’re going to need to stop from time to time for sleep and rest.

Best chance you’ve got is to find a big building with multiple exits. The undead tend not to be the brightest bulbs on the funeral home marquee. If they see you go in one door, they’ll likely begin by crowding around that door. You should have some time to catch a few winks before they call the rest of their buddies and surround the building completely. You can also use this opportunity to do a little looting.

But be careful of stores with big plate-glass windows. Zombies will rip through them like a hot chainsaw through butter.

When can you stop? You can’t. Not for a very long time anyway. As long as you want to stay alive, you have to keep going.

The day you stagnate is the day you die.

Living Dead

[This is a little something I was inspired to write after reading Discount Noir. It is based on a true story.]

Markus felt his heart racing in his chest, but he forced himself to walk and not run.

He reminded himself of the plan. They’re slow and stupid. Save your energy for the fight.

They were coming. He didn’t turn, didn’t look, but he could hear their moans and smell their rotting dead stench.

He passed a shopping cart turned on its side, its wheels still slowly spinning. Next to it, a streak of blood on the white tile floor leading down one of the aisles. He felt something catch in his throat, but he swallowed it, pushed on.

He was close now, passing the toy department, keeping an eye out for any of the things that might be lurking down the aisles. He saw one by the bike rack thrashing about with its leg caught in the frame of a tricycle some careless customer had left sitting out on the floor.

He passed the exercise equipment and rounded the corner into the camping section of Sporting Goods. Down to the middle aisle a Coleman camp ax hung from a peg, its head encased in plastic. Markus plucked the ax off the peg and fumbled with the packaging, but his fingers scrabbled uselessly against the thick plastic.

He was reaching for the box cutter in the holster on his belt but before he could get it out he heard an undead moan coming from somewhere over his shoulder.

He turned and swung the ax, plastic and all, bringing it up hard against the zombie’s head. The blow landed with a satisfying crack, and brains and blood oozed up around the sharp edges of the clamshell packaging. For a moment Markus felt lost in the thrill and the horror of the what he had just done. But then he heard another moan. He emerged from his reverie just in time to give the second zombie a thorough braining.

The zombie fell and lay still, but it was becoming clear to him that the ax was too short, required him to let the things get far too close to him. All his years of planning for something like this, and he had overlooked such a simple detail. So…another plan then.

He headed back to the baseball bats. On the way past the gun cabinet he saw some poor soul devoured by two little girls. Clearly the guy hadn’t thought out how long it would take to remove the trigger lock. Markus had scratched the gun cabinet off the list years ago.

He made it to the bat rack and picked out an old-fashioned wooden slugger that felt like it had some real weight to it. He looked down the aisle and saw the zombies were coming in greater force this time.

He looked around for the best place to fight them off from. He needed a bottleneck, but the newly widened aisles were like a conduit bringing in more and more zombies from every side.

Markus swung his bat at the nearest zombie and the thing went down in a spray of red. He hit another and another and each time the bat smashed into their brittle skulls Markus felt himself smile a little wider. All this time planning and now it was finally here.

But then there were more of the undead, and Markus thought only of swinging and surviving. The bodies were starting to stack up in the aisle, and he knew he couldn’t hold out much longer. He could hear the moans of hundreds more of the things, maybe thousands. The bat wouldn’t be enough to stop them all.

Markus looked for a way out and saw the skylight far above. He wondered if he could climb up there, somehow get up into the crossbeams that held up the roof where the zombies couldn’t follow. He happened to glance over toward Hardware and saw the ladders. The tallest of them just might reach.

But just as he was about to head in that direction her head a sound, a sound that didn’t quite fit coming from behind him. He turned with his bat at the ready, only to find a lady with a shopping cart eying him oddly.

“Excuse me,” she said again. “Do you work here?”

The sound of the zombie hoards faded away, and the blood and bodies vanished like smoke.

Markus put on his best “May I help you?” smile and said, “Yes ma’am I do. Can I help you find something?”

But while the woman related her deep abiding need for an oyster knife Markus only half listened.

In the back of his mind he was revising his zombie plan.