Good news! Through grit, determination, and a whole lot of dumb luck, you have managed to survive the first wave of the zombie apocalypse.
You are now alive in a world filled with the rotting corpses of your deceased loved ones, who all want to eat you. Food is in short supply. Civilization is in turmoil. Oh, and you can’t play video games anymore so that’s a bummer. You’re sure you don’t want to just lay down and die? No? Okay then, onward and forward.
In last week’s post we talked about the dangers of digging in. No matter how strong your fortress, or how high your walls, eventually staying in one spot will get you killed.
Today’s precept for zombie survival: Overkill is Overrated.
Regardless of TVTropes‘s opinion on the subject, overkill is dangerous and downright stupid during the zombie apocalypse. This is another thing the movies get wrong all the time. Our heroes are almost always brandishing shotguns and high-powered sniper rifles which they use to splatter the brains of the undead all over the big screen.
Um, right…couple of questions here? First of all, you do realize that thing is heavy right? It’s bad enough that you have to keep moving like…forever, but you really want seven pounds of wood and metal hanging off of your shoulder for the rest of your life?
“But Albert,” you say “Seven pounds doesn’t sound all that bad.”
I’m sorry, but I assumed you might also be carrying food or water. You know, important stuff. But if all you’ve got is the gun, then by all means, lug it on through the wasteland.
Except it isn’t going to do you much good. Why? Because ammo ain’t gonna be in easy supply pardner. We’re talking about the zombie apocalypse here. You think all the other yahoos just laid down quietly and let themselves be bitten? Heck no! They were firing off every round they had into them golldurn zombies. Which means odds are good you’re not going to just find cases of 30.06 shells or 12 gauge buckshot lying around for the taking.
And lets say you do find a few rounds here and there. What good are they going to do you? The undead are massing in the millions. How much good do you think that box of twenty rounds is going to do you?
And that’s not even mentioning the sound. But sure, go ahead. Satisfy your manly urge to blow that stinking corpse’s head into smithereens. Just know that you’re ringing the dinner bell for all his friends.
Okay. Don’t panic. Take a deep breath.
There are a couple of good solutions.
First, get yourself a .22, preferably a handgun, something you can stick in your pocket.
Why a .22?
Firstly, because that’s all you need. Think about it. We’re talking about killing dead people here. Of course, there is the slight inconvenience that they’re still up and walking around, but still…dead people. Dead bone decays just as fast as dead flesh. It’s not going to take a lot to punch through those skulls.
Second, there’s bound to be a lot more ammunition for it. Most shotgun shells are sold in boxes of fifteen. Most rifle ammo comes in boxes of twenty. Pistol ammo, boxes of fifty or a hundred. But .22 shells? Those suckers come in boxes of five-hundred or more. And they’re tiny. You can easily fit upwards of a hundred in your pocket.
The the coup de gras? They’re quiet. Don’t get me wrong, you’ll still have to be careful, but the sound produced by a .22 is nothing compared to what you’re going to get from a shotgun.
But even the .22 is problematic. Because eventually you’re still going to run out of ammo. Ultimately anything that requires a renewable fuel source that isn’t naturally occurring is going to drag you down. So what do you do?
You say hello…to my little friend.
You wanna kill zombies? You really wanna kill all the zombies? I mean, that’s the plan isn’t it? Because, ultimately this is about more than just your survival. It’s about the survival of the human race. Well, you’re gonna have to go melee on those suckers, zombie killing the old-fashioned way, up close and friendly, one customer at a time.
An axe, a baseball bat, a well placed brick: almost anything will do. But the weapon pictured above is my personal favourite. It’s a two-handed machete with a light-weight synthetic handle and a super sharp cold steel blade. It’s sort of a cross between an axe and a machete.
I’ve personally held one in my hands, and it’s nothing short of beautiful. This sucker will cut through anything: wood, metal, your sister’s big toe. Anything. It’ll take a zombie’s head clean off in one swipe, and as long as you don’t try to take on too many of them at once it should be more than adequate to protect you from the undead.
So put down your shotguns and your sniper rifles. Let go of that grenade launcher. I know it makes you look cool, but let’s face it, there’s no one left to be impressed. You need to get the job done cleanest, safest, most efficient way possible.
Do the smart thing. Eschew overkill. Embrace effectiveness.
And maybe, just maybe, you’ll make it through alive.
