Retail Rant #3: Morons and Misconceptions

I’m fascinated with misinformation. Specifically, I’m fascinated with the concept of misinformation spread over large groups of people. I want to know how it is that people start believe that glass is really a slow moving liquid, or how everyone simultaneous decided to adopt the same set of incorrect rules for the game of Monopoly?

But some misconceptions are quite literally the bane of my existence. Wait, maybe not literally. What exactly is a “bane” anyway? Whatever.

I’m talking about misconceptions I run up against every day in my wonderful retail job. They’ve been frustrating more for years and today I’m gonna dump all that frustration out into your eager upturned mouths.

Thus follows, the three worst misconceptions I’ve seen in retail.

1. A Bag Constitutes a Proof of Purchase

Here’s the scenario. A customer comes up to the checkout with a pack of fishing hooks. I ring the customer up, he gives me the money, all seems right with the world. Until I ask this one vital question: “Do you want those in a bag?”

Now before we proceed, let me make one thing perfectly clear. We’re talking about a pack of five fishing hooks.  This is not a bulky item. This is not an expensive item. There is no reason why you should need a bag for this one single tiny item.

But invariably the customer will answer back with this phrase: “Yeah, you better. I don’t want to get caught going out the door.”

I repeat. That. Exact. Phrase.

Here is what I would like to say to everyone who uses that phrase: Are you a moron? Are you insane? ‘Get caught going out the door’? Get caught doing what exactly? Leaving with the item that you paid for? Good God, no, not that! What if your neighbor saw? What if your kids found out? Can you imagine the damage to your good name if someone saw you leaving with YOUR OWN PROPERTY THAT YOU JUST PAID FOR NOT MORE THAN TEN SECONDS AGO!? The HORROR. Put the item in your pocket and walk away. If you get tackled by the people greeter with no legs, all you’ll have to do is disentangle yourself and show him your receipt. He’ll let you leave. Really. It’s that easy.

2. Any Open Box Contains a Defective Item

I tweeted this one a few nights ago, but it bears repeating. A woman came into my story to buy a deep freezer. So I went to the back and got a cart to carry it out on (I could carry it across my shoulders, but I don’t like to show off). When I got back with the cart she was looking at the deep freezers with a concerned expression on her face.

“I think this one has been opened,” she said, pointing to one of them. “It has some tape where someone closed it back up.”

“Well, we can get the other one if you prefer.”

“I think that one has been opened too.”

“Ma’am these are the only two freezers we have in this size. But I’m confident that they haven’t been damaged.”

“Can you open the box and check?”

She wasn’t joking. I checked.

And if frustrated me to no end. Because, come on, we’re talking about a deep freezer. Whether is has been opened before is completely immaterial. You’re going to open it when you get home and somehow, some way that deep freezer will survive the incredible stress of being taken all the way out of the box.

Trust me on this one. I know some deep freezers. They’re tough.

3. The Customer is Always Right

People say this to me on a regular basis and it has to be one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard. The customer is not always right.

When a customer comes up to me and tells me, “I’m looking for a box of frangible ammo. I know you have it, because my cousin came in here and bought some about a week ago,” that customer is wrong. Provably so.

When a customer comes up to me and tells me that President Obama wants to put a four hundred percent sales tax on all ammunition, that customer (and his six hundred friends who came up to me and said the exact same thing, even though the NRA clearly and completely debunked that rumor on their website) is wrong.

And when a customer tells me that Walmart’s competitive ad match policy applies to non-advertised prices on ammunition at other Walmarts, that person’s name is Captain Ron and he should be aware that I will fight him tooth and claw, bone and marrow, soul and spirit, until Doomsday if need be. The management may override my decision a hundred times, but when time number 101 rolls around, know that I will still oppose him even then.

Also, his hair is stupid.

That is all.

For now.

If It Was a Snake…

In what has been described as a bizarre twist of fate, local hospitals have reported hundreds of incidents of snake bite victims in the past twenty-four hours.

“It started just after midnight,” said Dr. Malcolm Howell, the attending physician at Sacred Heart Hospital’s emergency room. “We thought the first couple of bites were just some strange fluke, but by the time morning came we understood that there was something much bigger going on.”

According to Howell as well as other authorities familiar with the cases, all of the incidents occurred  at local retail centers, though the link between these stores and the snakes is as yet unknown.

Deputy Howard Pickett with the Santa Rosa Sheriff’s office said, “We got them coming from Wal-Mart, Target, Dollar General, you name it. There just don’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to it.”

Management at all of the affected stores refused to comment, but one employee who spoke on the condition of anonymity, offered a firsthand account describing the bitings.

“This lady was looking for air conditioner filters. She came up and asked me where they were, and I pointed because they were literally right behind her, you know? And then she laughed and said…well she said ‘If it was a snake-’ And then she was on the floor screaming and this strange looking silver snake was latched onto her arm.”

According to doctors the description of the snakes has been uniformly similar with most witnesses describing a silvery, almost metallic sheen over the snakes scales. So far experts have had no luck in determining the exact species of snake involved in the bitings.

“It’s as if they vanish into thin air,” Dr. Howell told us. “We don’t know what they are or what anti-venom to use. Luckily the bites don’t seem to be fatal but still…” He paused as one patient screamed in the background.

The earliest victims seem to finally be recovering from their wounds, and the rumor that the snakes have some sort of supernatural origin seems to be taking hold in their minds.

“People have been saying it for years,” said Penelope Angela one of the early victims of the strange snake bites. “They find something they’ve been looking for right under their nose, and they say…you know, they say ‘If it was a snake…’ I know it sounds silly, but now maybe it really is.”

Another story employee also speaking on the condition of anonymity commented on the rumor saying, “People have been saying that same stupid thing to me for years, and each one of them thinks they’re the funniest man alive when they say it. If I had a dime for every one of them I’d be rich. But this is almost as good.”

Doctors dismiss the strange explanation as nothing more than superstition, but they have no immediate explanation to counter it.

“Superstition or not,” Penelope Angela said, “From now on I’m gonna make sure I’m not right on top what I’m looking for before I ask for help. Until you’ve been bitten yourself you don’t know. It’s not worth the risk.”

Retail Rant #2: Stupid Answers To Stupid Questions

Once upon a time I heard someone say, “There’s no such thing as a stupid question.”

To that person I say, “You have clearly never worked in retail. Because we get them all the time.”

The following list of questions are questions I have had to answer multiple times a day every working day for the past six years.

1. Do you work here?

No. I do not work here. I wear this navy blue shirt and these khaki pants to signify my solidarity with the mantis men of Sigma 7 and their struggle against the oppressive Clown Monster regime.

The name badge with my name on it and the word “Walmart” printed across the top is a fake that I ordered off of eBay. I’ve been walking around this department for eight hours a day five days a week straightening things and putting up freight over the course of the last six years just hoping I could fool someone into thinking I work here. Finally my patience has paid off! Muahahaha!

2. Do you have this item in the back?

Yes, as a matter of fact we do. See, somewhere around the mid-nineties Walmart decided that instead “selling things” and “making a profit” were for chumps and it would be much more interesting to hold items in the back of the store and not sell them to customers. Really we’ve never been out of an item in the history of the store. We just enjoy watching you be frustrated. Because that’s good business.

3. Can you hold this item for me?

Sure! Because the theoretical money you say you will pay me in the future is so much more valuable than the actual money the guy standing right in front of me wants to pay for it. It’s because of economics and stuff.

4. Will this item be going on sale?

Why yes it will. The home office will decide to mark it down by seventeen and a half percent on a week from Thursday. Also the stock market is going to crash again in June, and a guy named Vinny “Champ” Edwards is going to discover the secret to cold fusion and make the world into a wonderful utopia. Unfortunately, you won’t get to see it because you’re going to get hit by a bus two days before your thirty-eighth birthday. Bummer. But at least my psychic prediction will allow you to prepare for it.

5. When do you get trucks in?

On the third day after the blood moon four thousand eighteen wheelers will descend upon the store like a swarm of locusts. We ship in thousands of hobos from all over the country to help unload those trucks and when they are done we quietly slit their throats and feed their blood to the demon-god that lives in the drainage pound out back. We keep our enormous stockpile of merchandise in the back room until the next shipment comes in and then if we’re feeling generous we might let you buy some of it.

Once upon a time someone suggested that we should try a system where two or three trucks come in every night, but that person was fired for being a moron.

***

[To be clear, I really do believe that there is such a thing as a stupid question. This is my definition: a stupid question is one to which you could have worked out the answer for yourself with a minimal amount observation and reasoning. Some of the preceding are arguably not stupid questions by my definition. But I'm making fun of them anyway. Because I can.]

Retail Rant #1

I’ve been working in retail for over six years now, and let me tell you, it’s no picnic. Okay, I’m lying. Most of the time it’s actually super easy. Except for the people. Now some of the people that I meet are wonderful and kind and a real pleasure to work with. But some of them…let just say you don’t want to be one of these people. Think you might be? I’ve provided a helpful list of things not to do or say to your helpful retail salesman. Read and enjoy.

1. Just because someone is wearing a nametag does not mean you are on a first name basis with that person.

I really really hate this one. I’m just walking through the store, and some schlub I’ve never seen before in my life will say, “Hey Al, can we get some help over here.”

That always sets my teeth on edge. Here’s a tip. “Excuse me sir,” works just fine. Seriously. I’ll assume you’re talking to me if those words come out of your mouth. If you’re not talking to me, I’ll be fine with that too. But do not call me by my name. If you know me it’s not a problem. I have customers who come in regularly enough for me think of them as acquaintances. But other than that, back off. My name is personal.

2. If you want something, just freaking ask!

I will never understand why men are such wusses. I mean, I’m not going to think less of you if you have a question. People ask me questions all day long. It’s my job to answer questions. But when you hang back while your wife asks me where to find the 243. shells that’s when I’m looking at you thinking, “What a loser.”

3. Do not ask “Why does this item cost X?”

Seriously? You really want to know? You want me to download my vast knowledge of economics into your tiny tiny skull? Because if you’ve got an hour we might get close to an overview answer. But it’s not going to change anything. The price is still going to be the price. If you do not want to pay that price, then LEAVE IT ALONE. It’s not that hard. You look at the item. The item costs five dollars. You have five dollars. Now make a decision. Which one do you want more? The item or your five dollars? Not that hard.

4. Stop asking “Why don’t you carry item X anymore?”

This is a question that seems to be burning in the minds of many of my customers, so I will answer it once and for all. There is huge man in a tiny office at the store’s headquarters. In that office there is a button labeled “Stop carrying the things that customer X really needs.” This man’s only job is to press that button. That is why. No amount of whining to me is going to change that fact. I have zero power over any of this stuff. Really.

5. There is no “n” in Mossberg.

Okay, yes, this one is weirdly specific, but it seriously ticks me off. Specifically it is directed at all the rednecks out there. I know you guys may not be much accustomed to reading but take a good hard look at the word Mossberg. Go on, take your time, we’ll wait. Do you see an “n” anywhere? No? Then stop calling it a Mossenberg! You say you’ve been hunting you’re whole life and you can’t pronounce the name of one of the world’s foremost producers of shotguns? How stupid can you be?

That’s all for now. I’ve got more, but I have to go to work.

Yippy.

The Unwhine

I sometimes post about the nasty or just plain stupid people I meet in my retail job, and because they’re nasty and stupid those people get most of the attention. But the truth is, most people aren’t like that. For every nightmare customer I’ve ever had to endure, there’s one who was genuinely grateful to me for the small service I was able to render.

So today, I want to say thanks to all of them, the unsung majority of people who are decent and kind on the whole. They don’t often get a lot of attention, but they help make my life a little better every day.

How Not To Suck At Retail

When faced with the question “Why does this product cost so much?” always keep in mind that the correct answer is never “Market forces.”

Manliness Tip #1

If you are man, perhaps you have said yourself at one time or another, “I would like to appear to be more manly, but sadly my disposable income is limited such that I am unable to purchase a shotgun, or a pickup truck to keep it in. What should I do?”
If that is your dilemma, then you my friend are in luck. Today’s tip will cost you nothing but will help you maintain that aura of manliness that you so desperately covet.

Here it is:
If you want to buy something at the store and your wife or girlfriend is with you DO NOT tell her what it is you want so that she can tell the salesperson while you stand meekly in the background. No one is fooled by this. We all know she’s not the one who’s going to be using the Gillette Fusion Power razor blades, which means you end up looking like a total douche who can’t speak for himself.
The same goes for phone calls. Get your lazy butt up out of your easy chair and walk over to the phone, because when you have your wife call in to see if there are any .270 shells in stock the guy on the other end can hear her yelling across the house asking if you want Remington or Winchester.
So grow some balls and be a man. Despite the sensationalist news reporting done in the last few years, sales people very rarely bite their customers. Chances are you’re going to be fine.